My Cat Nip and Kryptonite

It's no secret these last few years of my life have been filled with joy, happiness, anger, and sorrow.  Unfortunately I always tend to keep the bad experiences with me and let the good things in life scattered to the back of my mind, rarely recalling them.

When looking back on it all though, the most heartache, has been brought on by my husband.  I use the word husband because that's what he is.  I have friends who tell me I can call him my ex, and maybe things are looking that way, but I am the type of girl who looks at things in black and white.  He is not my ex until the t's have been crossed and i's dotted.  Therefor until a divorce is official he is my husband.

I realized recently that while I have lost many people in the past 2 years, I have still been able to grieve for them.  While they are all still greatly missed the pain isn't the same.  It dulls slowly over time and isn't constant, but still present.  Whereas the pain inflicted by my husband seems to be harder to handle, like every time he's around he sticks a knife in my back waiting for the opportune moment to push it deeper until I can't breathe.  There isn't a break for me from him, and until the divorce is final, there is no grieving.

From the beginning, my husband was like cat nip to me.  When gone he was all I thought about, wondering when the next time I'd get to be with him was, sorta of like an addiction, it was uncomfortable when he was away.  Upon his return I originally would go crazy for him, hyped up on lust and love.  I never wanted the feeling to end.  I longed for his lips on my neck, whispering in my ear how beautiful I was, his hands slowing stretching across my back to pull me in for a tight embrace.  The kind of embrace that makes you feel safe, protected, and as if you could never fall.

As time moved on though everything changed, I no longer felt the butterflies in my stomach that I once did.  The feeling of being safe was interrupted by screams, flying objects, and punches.  Tears took over as my smile faded.  Pain flew through our household like an unexpected hurricane tearing apart everything in its path.  My husband became my kryptonite.  The one thing that hurts me every time its around.

So why haven't I left him?  It's like I said earlier...he's my cat nip.  Even to this day I seem to crave that feeling I once felt with him, and every now and again he knows the words to say, that stir up that lost feeling.  His words captivate me, sending me into this fantasy that somehow every wrong can be righted, and we could still have this happily ever after we use to dream of.  Yet, every time I open up and welcome him back in my heart with open arms, it's destroyed quickly, as the kryptonite storms through once again.

It may sound like an easy decision to most, in fact I use to be that person.  The person who could never understand why people would stay in an abusive relationship...emotionally abusive or physically.  But I get it now, the abusers have this gift, a gift that gives them the power to draw you back to them as soon as they want you to.  It truly is an addiction, an addiction to that feeling, not the person.  An addiction to fantasy, to the happily ever afters we see in movies and books that we strive so hard to live like.  An addiction to love.  And if you've ever had an addiction to anything you understand....it's not as easy as people think to give up an addiction.  It's something that when gone, pulls at you constantly, voices inside yourself tell you, you want it, or need that addiction in your life, that there's no way to go on without it, it's your comfort.

So here it sit with inner conflict trying to push it all out the door, rid my life of it all.


Still at the end of the day he's my cat nip and my kryptonite.

WANTING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!

Through out my life, so far, all I've ever wanted to do is make a difference..........

As a kid it was very different than now but I still want to impact someone and change their life, it may sound naive since all I wanted to be until I was 18 was an actress but it's true.

I mean think about it when you leave a play or a movie or even just after watching a TV show....it stirs something inside you.  Good or bad usually you feel something whether you can relate or you know exactly what you would do differently it all makes you think.  Certain types of shows stir people in different ways as I found out in my senior year as I participated in one of my last plays at school called the Laramie Project.  Our class was so excited to do a play that was real and made people really think about how they felt about the play.  We even had protestors that thought it was inappropriate that high schoolers were putting on a play that revolved around homosexuality.  It was my first true eyeopener that even the little things like high school plays could make a difference.  As people left the theatre some were touched and exited with red puffy eyes and a balled up tissue in there hand, some left enraged that it was something that actually happened, and others left not sure how they felt along with the mix that were appalled we performed it in the first place.  My point is though that one play made a difference it made people think and honestly all the protestors did was give us publicity of our message.

Slowly I was forced by the people around me to give up the dream (although it's something I'll never leave behind, and will always want to do deep down), I was encouraged to choose something "practical" a career that some told me "wouldn't lead me to waitressing for the rest of my life since my chances of making it were slim to none".  So I sifted through my options, still wanting to make a difference I thought about teaching, but was told "not enough money", later it lead to maybe being a Pediatrician which got the response "too much school and money until you get there....if you get there", so nursing it was and we drove through Cali looking at colleges with nursing programs that I would like.

Eventually as we all know I ended up wanting to just get away from everything and I joined the Army as a medic.  I felt good about my choice....while originally I used it to get away I knew that in the Army there was NO WAY I could fail at making a difference....right?  Wrong....while some still tell me just being in the service I made a difference I feel differently about it.  I mean I didn't go anywhere or do anything GREAT, I passed out meds and started IV's and helped with a few minor surgeries, but other than that I didn't make the Big difference I wanted to make....

Now in nursing school all I've done is focus mostly on me and just surviving which has consisted of working as a tutor during school and lifeguarding over the summer.  Now the lifeguard job came last summer when I need something for rent money while not in school and that was one that was available.  Nothing crazy happened to me that first summer except a learning experience or two and some crazy friends I will NEVER forget.  It also became a no brainer this summer that I was going to lifeguard again....how can you pass up great friends, a great tan, and well making money? 

One thing I didn't expect this summer though was to make a difference, but I have.  It wasn't a big thing it was something small (and it was part of my job) so I didn't expect to feel so great but I do.  A few days ago I was working at the pool and on stand in the deep end, kids were jumping off the diving boards and getting out of the water just to scurry back to the board.  It's amusing sometimes though how the kids find that way to do this walk run thing where they hope you wont blow a short loud whistle and tell them to walk because they are walking still just not quite the way we want them too.  Anyways, a child had gotten onto the diving board and slowly made her way to the edge of the board and sat down.  I wanted to laugh because they were very cute about it but I blew a short whistle and said "you need to stand and jump please"  At that moment the child never got up but bounced into the water as i watched the child go under and pop back up to only see a forehead and kicking legs.  I blew 3 short whistles and jumped in the water.  That's when I started to feel my heart pound and everything else around me slowed down.......I wasn't far away and I know I was swimming fast but in the moment the child seemed just out of reach with each frantic stroke I took.  Along with each stroke of never getting anywhere I was watching the forehead in the water slowly inch under.  I finally got there and the child started coughing immediately and I felt relief come over me (never thought I'd be happy to have a child cough in my face though, but I was).  

As I got out of the water my fellow guards on break were right there to congratulate me, although at the time it felt weird, I now realize how amazing it all was.  The mother was called immediately and was there before I even made it to the guard station.  I took a report and the angry (at her daycare who brought her daughter there) but thankful mother left and took her daughter home.  Later that day the child's grandmother paid a visit to the pool to give the daycare a piece of her mind (which I feel was appropriate in this situation) apparently the child's mother was at home crying about what had happened. In this 5 minute (probably less) situation her life was turned upside down and everything was put into perspective of how important life is and how quickly we could lose someone we love....to ANYTHING.    Before the grandmother left she thanked me more than once for what I had done.....it was hard to know what to say.  I mean do you tell them your welcome, but its my job? (which is actually some version of what I think I told her) or do you act like you deserve the thank you?

Either way I was still running on my rush of adrenaline and can't quite remember how I responded, but I know how I felt.  For the other guards this save won't stick in their mind forever, it's our job, that's why we are there.  And for the spectators at the pool the memory will fade because they were unaffected and drownings happen everyday.  But for that family this memory will stick with them and be thankful for what a did for a long time, it may not be forever, but they are forever in my heart.  What I did may not last very long but I know that that day I made a difference in that family's life and it will forever stick with me.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

So its been a while since I last wrote and my life has gotten crazier than I ever imagined it would.  I recently put the pieces together though, and I wish I could say it gave me complete closure but it hasn't......However it helped and I know I have nowhere to go but up.

Ever been told during a rough time that everything happens for a reason?  Or there is a path for us all?  I bet everyone has heard it, but in times of hurt do we believe it?  Have you ever sat up after that comment and just brushed it all aside?  I know I never have.  But I did find a purpose or at least I've connected my path....what I think it has been anyway.

As a child it wasn't easy for me I grew up in 2 households and I felt like I had 2 separate lives.  On one hand I had my mom and me, we were inseparable, our own little unit, and nothing could tear us apart. On the other hand I had my dad and stepmom with 2 older stepsisters and a younger half sister.  We weren't that picture perfect family but as far as my sisters go we were the closest.  I used to brag to people that I had 2 moms and a dad, I was so proud of my family.

As far as religion went I had started off my school years at a christian school, other than that church came twice a year with my dad, Christmas and Easter.  Eventually I changed schools where I found some great friends in Kara, Kimmy, Jocelyn, and Amanda.  As school went on Kara and I got closer and I eventually started going to church with her and joined her youth group.

At 13 I felt things falling apart, I got changed to a different middle school, stopped going to church, and my dad was in AA and eventually went through a divorce.  While not actively in church anymore I stilled prayed every night for everything to be ok, but it wasn't.  I felt my life slipping away and with it my faith.  I found some great new friends, Morgan, Krystle, Stephanie, and Kristina but aside from my friends I was slipping.

I eventually hit a black hole in my life, to everyone else I was happy, and I was, but only when I was with them, when I was distracted.  Alone in my room the tears just fell, never ending tears until I needed to be strong again.  I got sick of crying so I found a way to make it stop......I cut.  It's not something I'm proud of but it's fact, it's a part of my life, a part of me, and scars that can never be erased.  Eventually two of my close friends found out and I came clean to my mom.  For a while I felt better but it didn't last, the tears just came back.  So I decided to run, I went to live with my dad for a while but again like before it all came back, so I ran further.

It may not be the ideal way to join the Army and people may want a better reason for it, like me being selfless and heroic, but the truth is I wanted to stop crying I wanted to find myself, there was nothing heroic about it.  I again had no trouble making lifelong friends in Bethany, Brenna, Brandy, Gloria, Jessie, & Lucie along with many more.  I felt my life making sense and getting better, I started going to church again and life seemed almost perfect.  I met my future husband and we spent our days talking about anything and everything.  Even during hard times Luke or my friends just made everything better.  Eventually the times got harder again and my life started spiraling out of control, I started cutting at one point and when I finally did get it under control, (thanks to Luke and Gloria) I found myself pregnant and with my unit on its way to deployment and a fiance headed there as well.

I got to a point where my faith was hard to keep.  I spent my nights crying and screaming at God rather than prayer for strength.  I blamed him for everything, especially my pregnancy.  I was on birth control and Luke already made it clear that he would want an abortion if I ever got pregnant.  Everyone decided that it was God's will for me to have a baby (and I wouldn't give Nathan up for anything now) but at the time I resented God for it all.

Eventually me having Nathan lead us to Midland, where I am now in nursing school with many friends that I will be sad to leave when its over.  I'm not going to go through the long list of people this time but they know who they are.  The 2 most important names are Lisa and Cindy, they have made the big difference in it all.  I was told before entering nursing school that each semester would get harder, and it has, but I had no idea my personal life would do the same.  Here in Midland I feel like I have faced some very hard trials in my life.  I couldn't begin to name them all but I lost 8 people in my life, all ranging from illness, suicide, accidents, and lets just name the last one hatred for now.  All of these events happened within less than a year and adding single mom to my list didn't help.

With each loss everything became harder to do, however for those who don't know our class there is one thing you should know.....(we all stick together, through everything no one has ever left anyone behind without a fight.  We have been told there has been no other class like us!)  One person who has made the  difference for me in getting through is Lisa.  There is so much I could say about her but the one thing that has made a difference in my life is her drive.  She goes above and beyond in everything she does, she's a wonderful mom and friend and will fight for what's right to the end.  Just being around her it has seemed contagious, and has pushed me further than I ever thought I could go.  She is the woman that makes you want to be a better person, and I love her for that because I can honestly say I wouldn't be where am without her.

Before I get to the other person I want to touch on the hardest and most recent hit that brought me to where I am because as you will see later that they intertwine.  I recently lost my stepmom, but to me she was more than that.  If you were paying attention you would have noticed I use to tell people I had 2 moms, and thats what she was.  She was my other mom, she was always there for me even after her and my dad's divorce.  She was just that person that could make you feel better when nothing else felt good.  My sisters and I lost her recently but not to anything that's easy to handle (and yes from everything that's happened to me a death from illness seems easy to handle).  She was murdered and in the worst way, and my baby sister was the one that found her and I found myself at school, stuck in Texas in the midst of it all.  Before leaving to California for the funeral I was sad and depressed and very angry and confused.  Once again I found myself yelling at the sky asking him how he could let this happen.

My answer was.....he didn't.  God doesn't make our choices, we do, and its up to us to listen to what he has to say.  I've learned that it's good to pray and talk to God but contrary to what most people may think like any relationship you have to listen, and I wasn't.  This is where Cindy comes in, she is someone that came into my life at just the right time, she is my "adopted mother" so to speak.  Her and her family took me under their wing during every hard moment.  Her husband is a preacher so of course talking about faith and religion and God came up, but they never pushed me.  They never tried to sell me on the issue or even say anything about me not being baptized yet.  They just listened and eventually invited me to a few church gatherings and offered me a job there when I was struggling with money.  Even with the job there was no pressure to go to service they let me come to it in my own time and were there every step of the way.  I can honestly say that they opened my eyes to the world that I feel has been missing all my life.

So all this was just to say you got baptized? Well sort of, you see it's not about the fact that I got baptized (at least in this post) but how I got there.  There were times where I let God into my life and I listened, but when times got hard I left him in the dust, and it wasn't until he put something inside me that I would make a life change that led me one step closer to where I am today.  Everything I have experience led me here, I think if even one thing was different the outcome would be to.  It can be said that I'm reading too much into it or that it's all coincidence, but I know differently.

We may not like it when people tells us there is a reason for everything but obviously there is.

If Today Was Your Last Day....

So it's no secret that I have had my fair share of death this year.  This has forced me to really look at the saying "Live everyday as if it was your last".  I have realized that to most this means party like there is no tomorrow, or to the people who have more money it's taking that dream vacation to Europe before you pass.

Because I have a toddler and am pretty much broke, I've found myself unable to do neither.  But this has forced me to realize that our view of this saying is more than misguided.  Why is it that if it's our last day we think of pleasing ourselves?  If we are gone, what does it matter?  Why don't we think more about the people we are leaving behind, the regrets that have, or the wrongs we should have righted?

Getting to see my son after 5 days forced me to appreciate everything I have, including the small things.  I realized that if today were my last day...spending the day at the pond with my son and feeding the ducks wouldn't be a bad day at all.  Appreciating his smile, his joy, the cute little things that he does everyday, and most of all the love we have for each other.  Funny isn't it, how a young child's innocence can bring such clarity.  Kids are full of love, the spend their days living it as if it were their last and have no worries for the future.

I've decided that if today were my last I would want the people that have changed my life for the better to know, I would want the stupid fights to be reconciled, and each person that I love know how truly special they are.

So here we go:

Mom....I know you don't feels appreciated or feel like you're helping out just because you can't help me financially.  But the truth is, you are my strength.  There is no way I could survive right now without your loving supportive phone calls.  Some people say "actions speak louder than words" but they're wrong because the words of wisdom you have given me over the years will always ring in loud and clear.  You are the strongest person I know, you have a full time job, 2 crazy and wonderful little girls, and still find time to suck up all your own pain and focus on mine when it's needed.  I know I don't always say it mom, but you truly are my hero and I will always be your Brittnee Boo who loves you the mostest.

To all my sisters: Shelby, Riley, Bridgette, Melissa, & Megan....Each one of you brighten my life everyday.  My only regret is not spending more time appreciating you guys and spending more time with you all when I had the chance. 

Dad & Kim....It's no secret that we have had our fair share of issues, but today we have push through it all to find a wonderful relationship I never would have dreamed of.  Kim I love you for bringing out the best in my dad and pushing him to be the dad I knew he could be.  While our relationship has been mended dad, I think there are a few things I still have never said but feel that I need to.....I'm sorry, I forgive you, and I love you.

Bilijo....You are an incredible person, I thank you for always being there for me.  Most people wouldn't expect a step parent to treat you as an equal, especially after being divorced but you have always treated me as one of your own and I love that about you.

The rest of my family....As you know there are way to many of you to name, but to my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins....I love you all.  You are everything a family should be.  You are all full of constant love and support that truly helps me survive day after day.  Each phone call, text, and card has helped to encourage me to push on and I would have never been able to make it without you.

My in-laws...Again another group that is too large to name, but all the same is very supportive.  You are always there to give a helping hand with Nathan and have never once blinked an eye at me when I was having troubles.  Each of you have understood with more compassion than I ever thought possible and will always remain in heart, especially you Alisha.  Thank you!

Luke...Yes, I'm sure most are confused by this including you, but the truth is I will never have a first love.  And even though we may not have made it, I still had 4 amazing years you gave me the most wonderful son in the world.  I have never hated you, nor will I ever.  I've learned that even if the love doesn't last doesn't mean it was all for naught.  I am sorry for any pain I have ever caused you, but you will always have a piece of my heart and have been a monumental part of my life.  Always and Forever.

Morgan & Krystle...you 2 have been my own personal guardians.  Neither have ever failed to be there for me when I needed it.  We have been friends since 7th grade and each time we get to visit, its as if now time has passed.  You have both endured many phone calls, texts, and fb messages at all hours of the night and have always been there to help me out as soon as you could.  I know a friendship like ours will beat the odds and last forever because the love you have for family never dies and that's what you 2 have become, my family.  So to my sister and the cat (still don't know if you were the cat & i was the hat or vice versa but oh well) I love you 2 4eva!!!!

Michelle, Krissy, & Amy.....my little trio!  You three crack me up every time I see you.  You also try your very best to rearrange your schedules as well to ensure we can all at least get together for dinner.  I know you have back if I ever needed to call you and Nathan's back as well.  I know you three will continue to amaze me, but just in case...never stop being yourselves!

My fruitloop....I know we have lost touch over the past few years, but you have always been a great friend to me.  You are the girl that goes through sooo much, but always has a smile so you would never know it.  & in that you tend to focus on making others feel better, or included and it's a great quality that I hope you never lose.

Drama pals.....Amanda, Chrsyta, Derek, Julian, Jessica (Lipsky & Senden), Nicole, Samantha, Andrew, Jillian, Ashley, Brianna, Cassandra, Colleen, Alana (Mini me), Greg, Kristin, Jacquelyn, Kylea, Maddie, Lital, Maria, Paola, Megan....well I don't really know what to say about this wacky, outrageous group.  Each of you have always made me feel at home and included, even if I never actually performed.  I always felt appreciated and many of you helped me through my Army days by sending me letters.  T
his is a group that I will truly never forget.  I wish everyone the best and pray that you never change because each one of you is incredibly amazing in their own unique way.

My Teachers....Woods, Calhoon, Haar, Tisa, Mccoy, Donovan, Pence, Hinds, Belizaire, Giebler, Bezinque, Mock, Cuny, & Hammond....Each of you have taught me at different points in my life.  Some of you I still see on a daily basis and the others I still try to visit when I can.  Most of you may know the influence you have had on me, but it's never bad to remind someone, especially teachers, how truly amazing they are.  Each one of you made me excited to learn, I would never have gained the knowledge in school or in life that I have with out you.  My only hope is that you all remember what amazing teachers you are and that you have truly helped me to change my life for the better as I'm sure you have done for many others.

My Battles....Brenna, Mississippi, Florida, Gloria, Lucie, Jessi, Janetta....No one will ever understand the bonds that we have made, but none the less you all are a kick ass group of female soldiers that I know will always have my back.  We have all had our fair share of sisterly fights and devious moments, but I know for a fact that if I or Nathan was ever in need you would be on the next flight to me.  I think that's what makes our bond so great is that we would stop at nothing to protect each other, and I would die for each and everyone of you.

OTB Crew.....Heather, Kayla, Jimmy Bear, & Rachel....You have always made me feel a part of the group.  Most importantly none of you have ever flinched at the fact that I had a son and many times offered to watch him to help me out so I could work.  Kindness like yours is hard to find and is much appreciated.

Pool Crew...Last summer was amazing, can't say much more than that.  You reminded me what it was like to actually be 23.  It may sound funny but I do tend to lose myself in responsibility and getting to act like a kid in between guard breaks reminded me that I don't always have to be so intense and serious.

My Abercrombie Mamas....Mikka, Mandy, & Nicole....You made my Abercrombie experience.  I never would have stayed so long if it weren't for you three.  My favorite part abut each of you is that you never treated me life a low life employee.  You treated me as an equal and valued my opinion.  I miss you all and will never forget my mamas!

My Nursing Family....This one I am going to do a little bit differently because while I love most you (lol! jk!) I want to recognize a few people that have been truly amazing to me.
Cindy...You have been like a rock, you always ensure that I get study time in and found a way to include Nathan in that.  Most of what I have to say you probably already know but I wanted to add something you may not...I wanted to let you know that I love the way that you understand and feel fr my situation and even better you always have an open mind and never pass judgement.  Most of all in this past year you have brought me closer to my faith than ever, this has been an amazing journey because while having the amazing friends and family that I do you have brought me something that none of these can do, a trust with the Lord that in the end I have nothing to fear that everything will be ok.
Lisa...You are truly supermom in my eyes.  I know to you school is important and that your kids are a priority but to say it and juggle all that you do is completely different.  You are a wonderfully dedicated mother and somehow you find the time to open your heart to the rest of us.  I love that time and time again you ensure our class that we will stick together and that no one will ever be left behind.  You are convinced that I will make it through and because of this confidence I work that much harder.  You are such an amazing person and I pray that one these days the whole world sees how big your heart is.
Jessica...This semester has been an eye opener for me.  I have always known your situation but until now have never realized how much alike our lives sometimes are.  Your strength of succeeding so your kids can have a better life inspires me everyday.  I know that you will be one of the best Peds nurses out there, never give up.
the rest of you....if you were not named please don't feel like I don't love and appreciate you because I do.  If it weren't for our loud, obnoxious, outgoing class I would have never made it this far.  I love you all almost half way so never give up!

Many of you may find this somewhat morbid but as a great teacher once told me "writing can be cathartic".  I do not plan on leaving anytime soon.  In fact I will fight the world for as long as I can.  However, if anything were to happen to me I would want these people above and the many others that have made my life amazing know that they are all great people who should never give up. 

I think the saying "live everyday as if it were your last" isn't suppose to be about yourself.  I think the focus should be less on fun and more on what and who you are leaving behind.  I may not always do this but this is me trying.  I also want to start volunteering more.  The feeling of helping out can be just as amazing as a party or a grand trip because I think every time you help a person whether you know them or not you are leaving a piece of you.  A piece of your heart is given with each task, and isn't kindness and warmth better to leave behind than a messy house or a depleted bank account?  Think about it!

The Heart Ache of the Past

So I was trying to take a break from statistics and started to clean out my closet....

hindsight, BIG MISTAKE!

I found my Army notebook

I knew what was in it for the most part

but never knew how much it would hurt to read my thoughts

thoughts that I spent eight months writing down

just to read later, cry a lot, and

debate with myself about whether or not I should throw it away.

Starting in May of 2006 I started an Army diary, so to speak.

It ends in Dec around the time that Luke met my parents.

I never doubted that I loved him

in fact to be perfectly honest I still do

but to read every single entry....
and see how deeply in love I was with him
and how it was sooo fast was hard to read
I never realized how much the Army makes you speed through stuff faster

At month 3 I had entries about marraige & children

and I know it was conversations I had with him and that we agreed upon but still

we picked out their names

and we have our dream wedding written in that book

our dream house

EVERYTHING!

How do you get rid of book that portrays many of the happiest times in your life

how do you toss it out like I tossed my marriage?

I forgot how happy we were back then

Our days in San Antonio,

where we would walk along the River Walk and talk for hours
how we got lost trying to find the hotel be he was too stubborn to grab a taxi
I was in heels so he ended up carrying me for over 30 minutes
The day we walked by a restaurant playing one of my favorite songs
and he pulled me into the street and we just danced
how he drove 4 hours just to pick me up

and drive 3 more so we could spend the weekend alone at a cabin

Our stories at Fort hood are near the end of it
with the stories of our stubborness

but he would leave and comback with starbucks for me

he would hold me and just apologize and tell me how much he loves me

how he would think I was alseep and would tell me how much he loved me

all of the always and forevers
how he would laugh at me for singing in the shower

how he thought my line repeating during movies were adorable.

I know I made the choice, but that never it easier
I don't know how to toss such a huge part of my life away
I feel like it's saying it meant nothing

when really it meant everything to me

I miss that feeling

the butterflies

the pure happiness from a name
the warmth I would feel just from looking into his eyes

I am so lost and confused!

I just want to feel good again
not stressed
or scared
or sad
just HAPPY

just happy to be myself and be comfortable with who I am

The awesomeness of West Texas!!!!

I received this email earlier today from Palm Harbor Homes, they are the builders that are helping out Extreme Home Makeover.  Apprently there are too many volunteers which I think is amzaing! I posted what they wrote because they included an amazing story that I think everyone should remember and live by.

Ever heard the story about the boy trying to save the world one Starfish at a time?

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed
a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. 

Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean.
The surf is up and the tide is going out.  If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”

“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish?  You can’t make a difference!”

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it back into the surf.  Then, smiling at the man, he said…"I made a difference for that one."

Well, we have a strange twist to add to the story.....we have more people than starfish!  That's right, we have officially exceeded the number of volunteers we have space for on the build site.  So let me re-phrase our challenge, we have more people than Starfish "on our beach"....meaning we can't accommodate all the volunteers willing to help-specifically at the build site.

BUT that doesn't mean you can't help.  It just means we need to relocate to other parts "of the beach" where you can make a huge difference one starfish at a time.

Clarity

I am not naive enough to think that movies and television shows have all the answers.  But I do believe they can guide you and one thing I have learned from them is how important faith is. 

I think in today's world faith is hard to have.  It's hard to understand.  I mean how can you believe in something you can't see or prove?  Or more than that how can you walk in obedience and not blame faith when you fail?

Blame is not fun, and most people rarely take the blame.  It's always easier to blame someone else.  And when a loved one hurts you, you blame what you can't see.  We want to believe that those we care about wouldn't hurt us.  So it's easier to place blame on someone we can't see, hear, or feel.

I did it.  I still do sometimes.  I question it all.  Why would he let such horrible things happen if he was that powerful?  Or maybe he just doesn't care about me.  The truth though, is we are all human.  We make mistakes, we screw up, and at the end of the day we will find ourselves bowing our heads or outside looking up at the sky asking why, asking for forgiveness, asking for help.

Majority of the time we rely on faith when we are in need.  But I think the truth is we are always in need.  We just are usually too stubborn to ask for it or sometimes even to see it.  You can't turn faith on and off and I think that's the problem.  Whenever I struggle is usually when I look up and scream, cry, or talk to the sky.  When my life is good I sometimes abandon it.

I find myself asking questions like if I just believed more, if things would be better?  If I was obedient in faith would my marriage have still ended?

I've learned that faith isn't about the questions.  Questions are just distractions, almost like temptation, its something that drags us away from what we believe, makes us question it more every time there isn't an answer.  The key is to just believe and let it all go.  To trust that you made the right decision in your beliefs.  Life is hard and that won't change, but I think if you truly believe, if you actually live your life in obedience that it will truly make a difference. 

If you look at life, at marriage, you can't understand either until you have faith.  Marriage is about unconditional love right....well how can you have that without faith.  Without faith I don't think anyone can understand the true meaning of unconditional love, without feeling it, how it's suppose to be.

How can you give yourself fully to someone, if you haven't done that through faith?  If you don't know who you are, if you can't find yourself through faith I don't think you can love...at least not unconditionally.

My only regret is probably not finding this clarity sooner.  I wonder what it could have changed in my life?  I guess I was always just too stubborn to hear any of it.  But when I felt like I hit rock bottom I realized that even when I feel alone I'm not, because like I said earlier faith never leaves.  I think we all just need to learn how to open up and trust more because God never gives up on us.  Even at our lowest points I've found that there is always a reason even when we don't understand it...because he truly never gives up on us.