Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Alyssa...a great friend, daughter, and sister!

You truly were an angel
sent from God in heaven above.
Your shocking death just broke the hearts of everyone you loved.
When I found out that you had died
I thought that they were wrong.
You were so alive - and then
just like that, you were gone.
A flame blown out in seconds,
Confirming our worst fears -
A light that shines no more on earth
for which we shed many tears.
But still you are my beacon
And I need you right now.
You hear all the prayers I say
Because they are answered somehow.
I wish that you could be here,
But in a way you are.
Your symbol of a rose goes everywhere with me,
so I know you can't be far.
It still is quite a shock to me
that you had to die;
But no one will forget you
And I love you, and goodbye.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

MEN...CANT LIVE WITH EM!!!

I am just so over Luke and his crap that he gives me! It's excuse after excuse and I just can't take it anymore.  & then he says he doesn't want to talk to me when I'm mad and yelling but what am I suppose to do?!?!  I'm sorry but it's hard to keep calm when someone tells you they don't feel like they should give you money to help provide for your son if they don't ever get to see him! HELLO...it's your son too and I didn't get pregnant by myself! besides the fact that I don't keep Nate away from him he could come anytime to see him......Okay yes I do yell and sometimes not let him see Nate if he comes at 8 or later but cmon, it's his bedtime and it riles him up not to mention that then he either goes to bed crying for daddy or wakes up wanting him!  I mean cmon am I being that difficult?!?!

Plus he says it hurts too much to see me and that's why he doesn't come around, which I find extremely hard to believe.  I mean you can't say you miss me and love me and want to be with me when almost every night you're with drew (your weird attached to the hip not sure if your dating him parnter) to the bar.  Plus if you cared that much wouldn't you want to send money to that person to make sure they're ok.  Not say o sorry you won't be able to make rent if I don't go to drill I'll give you money but if I do I can't spare because I need $500 for gas to drive to Virginia....sorry happy eviction!  ok maybe he didn't say the last past but it sure felt that way. 

Plus he called me a cold hearted bitch which doesn't really help his cause.  I mean just because I always seem angry on the phone doesnt mean it doesnt hurt to see you or talk to you!  I hold it in for Nate's sake (& let it out in my blog! lol!).  I hurt all the time and cry for most of it, but the thing that hurts the most is saying you love someone but then blowing them off almost every weekend when you said you were coming and then refuse to help me out and pretty much neglecting your son. 

Is it so wrong that I told him that he either needs to show up more or just disapear?  But either decision he needs to start giving me money?  I mean I don't think he understand how smart kids are...how smart our kid is.  Nate doesn't know where he is or understand that but he knows his daddy is gone and he knows he misses him.  & thats what hurts the most, trying to tell a 2 year old that his daddy is bye bye or at work all the time and having him scream at me no!  & now every time Nate's hurt, or missing a toy, or I'm sad he asks or tells me daddy did it and then proceeds to yell at our door saying "NO DADDY DON'T DO THAT! BE NICE"  How can that not piss you off or hurt you when daddy doesn't seem to care.  I'm just so fed up with it all!

Monday, October 11, 2010

LOST IN TRANSLATION!!!!!

I NEVER...thought giving up someone would be so difficult.

WHAT...is it about love that makes it stick with you?

I never thought it would be easy by any means to give up someone you love, but NEVER imagined it would be this hard either. 

WHAT...makes a person suddenly decide not to give up?

Is it out of love? or fear of entering the unknown alone?

WHAT...makes a person decided you are enough?

how is living in California not ok one day...and love is enough to survive it the next?

Is he scared Lord? Or does he love me that much?

My ears burn with voices....one side says in being young you think differently, do you really want to lose him without trying your hardest?  Have you tried your hardest? WHAT...if you regret your decision, WHAT...will you do then? the other side says....run, run and NEVER...look back.

WHAT...do I do now Lord?  Please....I need your guidance.  I am but a follwer and will do what is asked.  I just want the pain to go away.  I want to be able to walk away from this with my son and NEVER...look back!  I want to give my son the life he deserves.

I NEVER...wanted this for him.  Not that my life was that horrible, but
I NEVER...wanted this for him.

So here I am Lord I am on my knees...
on my knees waiting for your words...
waiting for you to show me the way...
show me with your footsteps...
let your footsteps guide me...
guide me through this sandstorm...
The sandstorm of a life i fell into...
fell into without you...

Yes, it's been a while...
I NEVER...forgot you though
I NEVER...stopped believing
I was upset...
I didn't understand...
didn't understand why...
why I was on this path...
this path of pain, and agony, and fear...
I was tired...
tired of hurting...
tired of fighting...
so I pushed you out...
stopped talking to you...
I was so angry...
and while I still don't understand...

I thank you....
I thank you for waiting...
waiting patiently for me to return...

So now I will return the kindness you once showed me...
I will wait...
Patiently wait for you Lord...
I will take every step in obedience...
I know it won't be easy...
but I'm done with my way...
So I will wait for yours....
and will serve you while I wait....
I choose to be a blessing...
so please take me in...
and never let me go...
I need you in my life Lord...
I have finally hit the bottom...
Now I need someone to save me...
to pick me up and not let me fall...
you are everything that I need....

I have regrets...
I have made mistakes...
But you see me...
there's nothing hiding my sins...
nothing hiding the true me...
I am here Lord...
and I am bare...
im stripped down...
I see now you are everything...
everything that was good in my life...
so once again Lord I am here...
Here to live for you...
I want to feel again...
I'm tired of being numb...

I want to make a change...
I want more than this nothingless of life...
I need your passion...
I'm tired of the WHATS...and...Nevers...
I'm done going through the motions...
I am here for the long haul Lord...
I am here to stay...

So...WHAT...do you say?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Over Emotional

So I realized lately that I sometimes hate being so emotional.  Yes, it tends to help me with my job choice because it makes me somewhat of an empath but still I feel overloaded all the time.

When I'm sad, there's no stoping it! It's like I'm forever miserable.  My pain, the past and present are like the stars....forever there, forever a reminder, and they may constantly change but eventually stars that you've seen before always return, to remind you again.  I just wish I could stop it sometimes or at least move on from the past....you know, forgive and forget.  But my problem is I NEVER forget!

Which brings me to my other point, happiness.  When I find a guy I like I feel like I always fall head over heels in the 1st night.  I know it sounds strange, someone complaining of being happy, but falling hard and fast seems to get me hurt that much more.  I wish I could be normal....whatever that is, I just don't want to get hurt anymore!  The worst part is that I have this friend whose aboslutely amazing!  We have so much in common, and he's so sweet and caring.  He always wants to know if I'm ok and for once I found a guy who loves my son and isn't weirded out that I have a kid and understands he comes first.  But I just don't want to get hurt, I'm so tired of it! I just wish I wasn't so confused and the all these overwhelming emotions would just stop!

Friday, October 8, 2010

THE BEGINNING

So I have never blogged before but writing has always helped me a little to feel better by releasing my thoughts.  So here it goes, my rant....

I know that older people get stuck in their ways and you can't change anything about that, but do they not understand that some of what they say is insulting?  I mean pointing out a city just because it's known for having a high population of people who are homosexual, and then continuing to single them out acting like they are the only ones who have surgery to get their body to match how they are on the inside.  Not to mention that they act like no one else around them may be offended because they might have grown up there or anything.  I know not everyone may agree with it, but why do we have to be forced these ideas? can't we think for ourselves?

It's not like I force all my opinions on you?  I don't tell you how to live, or that certain things you do are horrible.  I mean we were told a story about how they actually asked a guy who owned a tobacco company how they could live with themselves when they know they are killing people.  OK yes smoking, chewing, we know its not good, but how can you say that to a person? Especially if you use to smoke!!!!  I just don't get it!

Well that's it for now!  I'll try to keep up the blog but we'll see how it goes.