Tuesday, September 27, 2011


“Enough already with the stuff that doesn’t enhance who you really are.”

~ Oprah Winfrey

Enough already!
Enough already with looking in the mirror and not loving what you see.
Enough already with living in excess, filling your house, life and body with things that won’t ever bring you happiness or give you the love that you can only find within yourself.
Enough already with the labeling, judging and hating of those who you choose to see as ‘different’.
Enough already with bringing others down because you are afraid that their success will make you feel inferior.
Enough already with blaming your weight, your age, your spouse, your friends, your children, your boss, your parents, the service at the supermarket, the line at the post office, the younger generation, the price of petrol, the state of the world. Do something about it.
Enough already with not seeing beauty in everything.
Enough already with not letting your intuition guide you.
Enough already with not laughing hysterically every single day.
Enough already with letting the media dictate how you feel about yourself.
Enough already with thinking that there’s nothing you can do.
Enough already with not following your heart and living the life that you deserve.
Enough already with lying to yourself, denying who you are, and ignoring the screams of your soul.
Enough already with feeling inferior.
Enough already with standing by and doing nothing as children starve, women are raped, men are killed, animals are tortured, and the earth is poisoned.
Enough already with letting one small thing ruin your whole day.
Enough already with being afraid.
Enough already with the hate.
Enough already with thinking that there is any living creature on this earth that doesn’t deserve to feel love.
Enough already with looking outside for all the answers that can only be found within you.
Enough already with the excuses.
Enough already with using the number on the scale as a measure of self-worth.
Enough already with taking our anger and insecurities out on others.
Enough already with thinking that you aren’t enough.
Enough already with trying to deny that we are all connected.
Enough already with thinking that you don’t deserve a life full of love, passion, purpose, and happiness.
Enough already with judging your worth by what others think of you.
Enough already with being ashamed of your imperfections.
Enough already with letting other people have power over you.
Enough already with hiding who you really are.
Enough already with not dancing like nobody’s watching.
Enough already with trying to fit in.
Enough already with seeing vulnerability as a weakness.
Enough already with dumbing yourself down or creating drama to get attention from others.
Enough already with the drama.
Enough already with thinking life’s not fair.
Enough already with focusing on the colour of the skin instead of on the heart within.
Enough already with staying in your comfort zone.
Enough already with the inequality.
Enough already with thinking your way is the only way.
Enough already with punishing yourself.
Enough already with the inaction.
Enough already with thinking that who you love is more important than the love itself.
Enough already with avoiding doing the things that scare you.
Enough already with giving up when it gets tough.
Enough already with not accepting others for who they are.
Enough already with seeing obstacles as failures.
Enough already with thinking that the past equals your future.
Enough already with needing to be right all the time.
Enough already with not learning from our past.
Enough already with the regrets.
Enough already with thinking it’s too late.
Enough already with the guilt.
Enough already with being a victim.
Enough already with the blame.
Enough already with the revenge.
Enough already with thinking you don’t have anything to be thankful for.
Enough already with condemning others for following their hearts.
Enough already with not showing kindness to everyone you meet.
Enough already with being anything but yourself.
Enough already with the denial.
Enough already with not taking care of yourself.
Enough already with waiting for somebody else to do it.
Enough already with not seeing how amazing you are.
Enough already with living with a closed mind and heart.
Enough already with resisting change.
Enough already with spending your time with people who bring you down.
Enough already with sending hate and negativity out into the world.
Enough already with forgetting that everyone in this world just wants to be happy.
Enough already with thinking you aren’t powerful.
Enough already with thinking that you don’t have anything to offer the world.
Enough already with settling for less than you deserve.
Enough already with letting your daughter learn how to hate herself by watching you hate yourself.
Enough already with letting your son think showing his emotions makes him weak and showing violence makes him tough.
Enough already with thinking that what’s popular is always right.
Enough already with thinking we can survive while the earth dies.
Enough already with believing everything we are told.
Enough already with thinking it’s not our problem.
Enough already with not using our lives to make this world a better place.
Enough already with thinking it can’t be done.
Enough already with thinking that you can’t change the world.
Enough already with thinking that you don’t have a beautiful smile.
Enough already with hiding that smile from the world.
Enough already with forgetting that everyone is doing the best that they can.
Enough already with denying that your thoughts create your world.
Enough already with not doing the things that make you happy.

Enough already with hiding the Goddess that you really are.
Enough already with spending your life worrying about things that never happen.
Enough already with associating ‘different’ with ‘wrong’.
Enough already with ignoring your divinity.
Enough already with the oppression.
Enough already with the ignorance.
Enough already with using fear to control others.
Enough already with not seeing that it’s always the children who suffer the most.
Enough already with wishing for world peace but not creating it within yourself.
Enough already with rejecting something just because you don’t understand it.
Enough already with thinking that you can’t choose happiness.
Enough already with forgetting that everyone is somebody’s son, daughter, brother, sister, father, mother or friend.
Enough already with not learning from your mistakes.
Enough already with trying to be perfect.
Enough already with forgetting how blessed you are.
Enough already with the excess.
Enough already with not smiling at yourself in the mirror.
Enough already with following the paths of others instead of creating your own.
Enough already with trying to do everything at once.
Enough already with not living in the moment.
Enough already with thinking you can truly love others without truly loving yourself.
Enough already with the ego.
Enough already with not seeing the lesson in every experience.
Enough already with not showing gratitude.
Enough already with not seeing your own awesomeness.

You have everything you need within you. Take hold of your power and choose to live the life you deserve.

Enough already with everything else.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

My Cat Nip and Kryptonite

It's no secret these last few years of my life have been filled with joy, happiness, anger, and sorrow.  Unfortunately I always tend to keep the bad experiences with me and let the good things in life scattered to the back of my mind, rarely recalling them.

When looking back on it all though, the most heartache, has been brought on by my husband.  I use the word husband because that's what he is.  I have friends who tell me I can call him my ex, and maybe things are looking that way, but I am the type of girl who looks at things in black and white.  He is not my ex until the t's have been crossed and i's dotted.  Therefor until a divorce is official he is my husband.

I realized recently that while I have lost many people in the past 2 years, I have still been able to grieve for them.  While they are all still greatly missed the pain isn't the same.  It dulls slowly over time and isn't constant, but still present.  Whereas the pain inflicted by my husband seems to be harder to handle, like every time he's around he sticks a knife in my back waiting for the opportune moment to push it deeper until I can't breathe.  There isn't a break for me from him, and until the divorce is final, there is no grieving.

From the beginning, my husband was like cat nip to me.  When gone he was all I thought about, wondering when the next time I'd get to be with him was, sorta of like an addiction, it was uncomfortable when he was away.  Upon his return I originally would go crazy for him, hyped up on lust and love.  I never wanted the feeling to end.  I longed for his lips on my neck, whispering in my ear how beautiful I was, his hands slowing stretching across my back to pull me in for a tight embrace.  The kind of embrace that makes you feel safe, protected, and as if you could never fall.

As time moved on though everything changed, I no longer felt the butterflies in my stomach that I once did.  The feeling of being safe was interrupted by screams, flying objects, and punches.  Tears took over as my smile faded.  Pain flew through our household like an unexpected hurricane tearing apart everything in its path.  My husband became my kryptonite.  The one thing that hurts me every time its around.

So why haven't I left him?  It's like I said earlier...he's my cat nip.  Even to this day I seem to crave that feeling I once felt with him, and every now and again he knows the words to say, that stir up that lost feeling.  His words captivate me, sending me into this fantasy that somehow every wrong can be righted, and we could still have this happily ever after we use to dream of.  Yet, every time I open up and welcome him back in my heart with open arms, it's destroyed quickly, as the kryptonite storms through once again.

It may sound like an easy decision to most, in fact I use to be that person.  The person who could never understand why people would stay in an abusive relationship...emotionally abusive or physically.  But I get it now, the abusers have this gift, a gift that gives them the power to draw you back to them as soon as they want you to.  It truly is an addiction, an addiction to that feeling, not the person.  An addiction to fantasy, to the happily ever afters we see in movies and books that we strive so hard to live like.  An addiction to love.  And if you've ever had an addiction to anything you understand....it's not as easy as people think to give up an addiction.  It's something that when gone, pulls at you constantly, voices inside yourself tell you, you want it, or need that addiction in your life, that there's no way to go on without it, it's your comfort.

So here it sit with inner conflict trying to push it all out the door, rid my life of it all.

Still at the end of the day he's my cat nip and my kryptonite.

Friday, June 10, 2011


Through out my life, so far, all I've ever wanted to do is make a difference..........

As a kid it was very different than now but I still want to impact someone and change their life, it may sound naive since all I wanted to be until I was 18 was an actress but it's true.

I mean think about it when you leave a play or a movie or even just after watching a TV show....it stirs something inside you.  Good or bad usually you feel something whether you can relate or you know exactly what you would do differently it all makes you think.  Certain types of shows stir people in different ways as I found out in my senior year as I participated in one of my last plays at school called the Laramie Project.  Our class was so excited to do a play that was real and made people really think about how they felt about the play.  We even had protestors that thought it was inappropriate that high schoolers were putting on a play that revolved around homosexuality.  It was my first true eyeopener that even the little things like high school plays could make a difference.  As people left the theatre some were touched and exited with red puffy eyes and a balled up tissue in there hand, some left enraged that it was something that actually happened, and others left not sure how they felt along with the mix that were appalled we performed it in the first place.  My point is though that one play made a difference it made people think and honestly all the protestors did was give us publicity of our message.

Slowly I was forced by the people around me to give up the dream (although it's something I'll never leave behind, and will always want to do deep down), I was encouraged to choose something "practical" a career that some told me "wouldn't lead me to waitressing for the rest of my life since my chances of making it were slim to none".  So I sifted through my options, still wanting to make a difference I thought about teaching, but was told "not enough money", later it lead to maybe being a Pediatrician which got the response "too much school and money until you get there....if you get there", so nursing it was and we drove through Cali looking at colleges with nursing programs that I would like.

Eventually as we all know I ended up wanting to just get away from everything and I joined the Army as a medic.  I felt good about my choice....while originally I used it to get away I knew that in the Army there was NO WAY I could fail at making a difference....right?  Wrong....while some still tell me just being in the service I made a difference I feel differently about it.  I mean I didn't go anywhere or do anything GREAT, I passed out meds and started IV's and helped with a few minor surgeries, but other than that I didn't make the Big difference I wanted to make....

Now in nursing school all I've done is focus mostly on me and just surviving which has consisted of working as a tutor during school and lifeguarding over the summer.  Now the lifeguard job came last summer when I need something for rent money while not in school and that was one that was available.  Nothing crazy happened to me that first summer except a learning experience or two and some crazy friends I will NEVER forget.  It also became a no brainer this summer that I was going to lifeguard again....how can you pass up great friends, a great tan, and well making money? 

One thing I didn't expect this summer though was to make a difference, but I have.  It wasn't a big thing it was something small (and it was part of my job) so I didn't expect to feel so great but I do.  A few days ago I was working at the pool and on stand in the deep end, kids were jumping off the diving boards and getting out of the water just to scurry back to the board.  It's amusing sometimes though how the kids find that way to do this walk run thing where they hope you wont blow a short loud whistle and tell them to walk because they are walking still just not quite the way we want them too.  Anyways, a child had gotten onto the diving board and slowly made her way to the edge of the board and sat down.  I wanted to laugh because they were very cute about it but I blew a short whistle and said "you need to stand and jump please"  At that moment the child never got up but bounced into the water as i watched the child go under and pop back up to only see a forehead and kicking legs.  I blew 3 short whistles and jumped in the water.  That's when I started to feel my heart pound and everything else around me slowed down.......I wasn't far away and I know I was swimming fast but in the moment the child seemed just out of reach with each frantic stroke I took.  Along with each stroke of never getting anywhere I was watching the forehead in the water slowly inch under.  I finally got there and the child started coughing immediately and I felt relief come over me (never thought I'd be happy to have a child cough in my face though, but I was).  

As I got out of the water my fellow guards on break were right there to congratulate me, although at the time it felt weird, I now realize how amazing it all was.  The mother was called immediately and was there before I even made it to the guard station.  I took a report and the angry (at her daycare who brought her daughter there) but thankful mother left and took her daughter home.  Later that day the child's grandmother paid a visit to the pool to give the daycare a piece of her mind (which I feel was appropriate in this situation) apparently the child's mother was at home crying about what had happened. In this 5 minute (probably less) situation her life was turned upside down and everything was put into perspective of how important life is and how quickly we could lose someone we love....to ANYTHING.    Before the grandmother left she thanked me more than once for what I had done.....it was hard to know what to say.  I mean do you tell them your welcome, but its my job? (which is actually some version of what I think I told her) or do you act like you deserve the thank you?

Either way I was still running on my rush of adrenaline and can't quite remember how I responded, but I know how I felt.  For the other guards this save won't stick in their mind forever, it's our job, that's why we are there.  And for the spectators at the pool the memory will fade because they were unaffected and drownings happen everyday.  But for that family this memory will stick with them and be thankful for what a did for a long time, it may not be forever, but they are forever in my heart.  What I did may not last very long but I know that that day I made a difference in that family's life and it will forever stick with me.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


So its been a while since I last wrote and my life has gotten crazier than I ever imagined it would.  I recently put the pieces together though, and I wish I could say it gave me complete closure but it hasn't......However it helped and I know I have nowhere to go but up.

Ever been told during a rough time that everything happens for a reason?  Or there is a path for us all?  I bet everyone has heard it, but in times of hurt do we believe it?  Have you ever sat up after that comment and just brushed it all aside?  I know I never have.  But I did find a purpose or at least I've connected my path....what I think it has been anyway.

As a child it wasn't easy for me I grew up in 2 households and I felt like I had 2 separate lives.  On one hand I had my mom and me, we were inseparable, our own little unit, and nothing could tear us apart. On the other hand I had my dad and stepmom with 2 older stepsisters and a younger half sister.  We weren't that picture perfect family but as far as my sisters go we were the closest.  I used to brag to people that I had 2 moms and a dad, I was so proud of my family.

As far as religion went I had started off my school years at a christian school, other than that church came twice a year with my dad, Christmas and Easter.  Eventually I changed schools where I found some great friends in Kara, Kimmy, Jocelyn, and Amanda.  As school went on Kara and I got closer and I eventually started going to church with her and joined her youth group.

At 13 I felt things falling apart, I got changed to a different middle school, stopped going to church, and my dad was in AA and eventually went through a divorce.  While not actively in church anymore I stilled prayed every night for everything to be ok, but it wasn't.  I felt my life slipping away and with it my faith.  I found some great new friends, Morgan, Krystle, Stephanie, and Kristina but aside from my friends I was slipping.

I eventually hit a black hole in my life, to everyone else I was happy, and I was, but only when I was with them, when I was distracted.  Alone in my room the tears just fell, never ending tears until I needed to be strong again.  I got sick of crying so I found a way to make it stop......I cut.  It's not something I'm proud of but it's fact, it's a part of my life, a part of me, and scars that can never be erased.  Eventually two of my close friends found out and I came clean to my mom.  For a while I felt better but it didn't last, the tears just came back.  So I decided to run, I went to live with my dad for a while but again like before it all came back, so I ran further.

It may not be the ideal way to join the Army and people may want a better reason for it, like me being selfless and heroic, but the truth is I wanted to stop crying I wanted to find myself, there was nothing heroic about it.  I again had no trouble making lifelong friends in Bethany, Brenna, Brandy, Gloria, Jessie, & Lucie along with many more.  I felt my life making sense and getting better, I started going to church again and life seemed almost perfect.  I met my future husband and we spent our days talking about anything and everything.  Even during hard times Luke or my friends just made everything better.  Eventually the times got harder again and my life started spiraling out of control, I started cutting at one point and when I finally did get it under control, (thanks to Luke and Gloria) I found myself pregnant and with my unit on its way to deployment and a fiance headed there as well.

I got to a point where my faith was hard to keep.  I spent my nights crying and screaming at God rather than prayer for strength.  I blamed him for everything, especially my pregnancy.  I was on birth control and Luke already made it clear that he would want an abortion if I ever got pregnant.  Everyone decided that it was God's will for me to have a baby (and I wouldn't give Nathan up for anything now) but at the time I resented God for it all.

Eventually me having Nathan lead us to Midland, where I am now in nursing school with many friends that I will be sad to leave when its over.  I'm not going to go through the long list of people this time but they know who they are.  The 2 most important names are Lisa and Cindy, they have made the big difference in it all.  I was told before entering nursing school that each semester would get harder, and it has, but I had no idea my personal life would do the same.  Here in Midland I feel like I have faced some very hard trials in my life.  I couldn't begin to name them all but I lost 8 people in my life, all ranging from illness, suicide, accidents, and lets just name the last one hatred for now.  All of these events happened within less than a year and adding single mom to my list didn't help.

With each loss everything became harder to do, however for those who don't know our class there is one thing you should know.....(we all stick together, through everything no one has ever left anyone behind without a fight.  We have been told there has been no other class like us!)  One person who has made the  difference for me in getting through is Lisa.  There is so much I could say about her but the one thing that has made a difference in my life is her drive.  She goes above and beyond in everything she does, she's a wonderful mom and friend and will fight for what's right to the end.  Just being around her it has seemed contagious, and has pushed me further than I ever thought I could go.  She is the woman that makes you want to be a better person, and I love her for that because I can honestly say I wouldn't be where am without her.

Before I get to the other person I want to touch on the hardest and most recent hit that brought me to where I am because as you will see later that they intertwine.  I recently lost my stepmom, but to me she was more than that.  If you were paying attention you would have noticed I use to tell people I had 2 moms, and thats what she was.  She was my other mom, she was always there for me even after her and my dad's divorce.  She was just that person that could make you feel better when nothing else felt good.  My sisters and I lost her recently but not to anything that's easy to handle (and yes from everything that's happened to me a death from illness seems easy to handle).  She was murdered and in the worst way, and my baby sister was the one that found her and I found myself at school, stuck in Texas in the midst of it all.  Before leaving to California for the funeral I was sad and depressed and very angry and confused.  Once again I found myself yelling at the sky asking him how he could let this happen.

My answer was.....he didn't.  God doesn't make our choices, we do, and its up to us to listen to what he has to say.  I've learned that it's good to pray and talk to God but contrary to what most people may think like any relationship you have to listen, and I wasn't.  This is where Cindy comes in, she is someone that came into my life at just the right time, she is my "adopted mother" so to speak.  Her and her family took me under their wing during every hard moment.  Her husband is a preacher so of course talking about faith and religion and God came up, but they never pushed me.  They never tried to sell me on the issue or even say anything about me not being baptized yet.  They just listened and eventually invited me to a few church gatherings and offered me a job there when I was struggling with money.  Even with the job there was no pressure to go to service they let me come to it in my own time and were there every step of the way.  I can honestly say that they opened my eyes to the world that I feel has been missing all my life.

So all this was just to say you got baptized? Well sort of, you see it's not about the fact that I got baptized (at least in this post) but how I got there.  There were times where I let God into my life and I listened, but when times got hard I left him in the dust, and it wasn't until he put something inside me that I would make a life change that led me one step closer to where I am today.  Everything I have experience led me here, I think if even one thing was different the outcome would be to.  It can be said that I'm reading too much into it or that it's all coincidence, but I know differently.

We may not like it when people tells us there is a reason for everything but obviously there is.