Thursday, May 19, 2011


So its been a while since I last wrote and my life has gotten crazier than I ever imagined it would.  I recently put the pieces together though, and I wish I could say it gave me complete closure but it hasn't......However it helped and I know I have nowhere to go but up.

Ever been told during a rough time that everything happens for a reason?  Or there is a path for us all?  I bet everyone has heard it, but in times of hurt do we believe it?  Have you ever sat up after that comment and just brushed it all aside?  I know I never have.  But I did find a purpose or at least I've connected my path....what I think it has been anyway.

As a child it wasn't easy for me I grew up in 2 households and I felt like I had 2 separate lives.  On one hand I had my mom and me, we were inseparable, our own little unit, and nothing could tear us apart. On the other hand I had my dad and stepmom with 2 older stepsisters and a younger half sister.  We weren't that picture perfect family but as far as my sisters go we were the closest.  I used to brag to people that I had 2 moms and a dad, I was so proud of my family.

As far as religion went I had started off my school years at a christian school, other than that church came twice a year with my dad, Christmas and Easter.  Eventually I changed schools where I found some great friends in Kara, Kimmy, Jocelyn, and Amanda.  As school went on Kara and I got closer and I eventually started going to church with her and joined her youth group.

At 13 I felt things falling apart, I got changed to a different middle school, stopped going to church, and my dad was in AA and eventually went through a divorce.  While not actively in church anymore I stilled prayed every night for everything to be ok, but it wasn't.  I felt my life slipping away and with it my faith.  I found some great new friends, Morgan, Krystle, Stephanie, and Kristina but aside from my friends I was slipping.

I eventually hit a black hole in my life, to everyone else I was happy, and I was, but only when I was with them, when I was distracted.  Alone in my room the tears just fell, never ending tears until I needed to be strong again.  I got sick of crying so I found a way to make it stop......I cut.  It's not something I'm proud of but it's fact, it's a part of my life, a part of me, and scars that can never be erased.  Eventually two of my close friends found out and I came clean to my mom.  For a while I felt better but it didn't last, the tears just came back.  So I decided to run, I went to live with my dad for a while but again like before it all came back, so I ran further.

It may not be the ideal way to join the Army and people may want a better reason for it, like me being selfless and heroic, but the truth is I wanted to stop crying I wanted to find myself, there was nothing heroic about it.  I again had no trouble making lifelong friends in Bethany, Brenna, Brandy, Gloria, Jessie, & Lucie along with many more.  I felt my life making sense and getting better, I started going to church again and life seemed almost perfect.  I met my future husband and we spent our days talking about anything and everything.  Even during hard times Luke or my friends just made everything better.  Eventually the times got harder again and my life started spiraling out of control, I started cutting at one point and when I finally did get it under control, (thanks to Luke and Gloria) I found myself pregnant and with my unit on its way to deployment and a fiance headed there as well.

I got to a point where my faith was hard to keep.  I spent my nights crying and screaming at God rather than prayer for strength.  I blamed him for everything, especially my pregnancy.  I was on birth control and Luke already made it clear that he would want an abortion if I ever got pregnant.  Everyone decided that it was God's will for me to have a baby (and I wouldn't give Nathan up for anything now) but at the time I resented God for it all.

Eventually me having Nathan lead us to Midland, where I am now in nursing school with many friends that I will be sad to leave when its over.  I'm not going to go through the long list of people this time but they know who they are.  The 2 most important names are Lisa and Cindy, they have made the big difference in it all.  I was told before entering nursing school that each semester would get harder, and it has, but I had no idea my personal life would do the same.  Here in Midland I feel like I have faced some very hard trials in my life.  I couldn't begin to name them all but I lost 8 people in my life, all ranging from illness, suicide, accidents, and lets just name the last one hatred for now.  All of these events happened within less than a year and adding single mom to my list didn't help.

With each loss everything became harder to do, however for those who don't know our class there is one thing you should know.....(we all stick together, through everything no one has ever left anyone behind without a fight.  We have been told there has been no other class like us!)  One person who has made the  difference for me in getting through is Lisa.  There is so much I could say about her but the one thing that has made a difference in my life is her drive.  She goes above and beyond in everything she does, she's a wonderful mom and friend and will fight for what's right to the end.  Just being around her it has seemed contagious, and has pushed me further than I ever thought I could go.  She is the woman that makes you want to be a better person, and I love her for that because I can honestly say I wouldn't be where am without her.

Before I get to the other person I want to touch on the hardest and most recent hit that brought me to where I am because as you will see later that they intertwine.  I recently lost my stepmom, but to me she was more than that.  If you were paying attention you would have noticed I use to tell people I had 2 moms, and thats what she was.  She was my other mom, she was always there for me even after her and my dad's divorce.  She was just that person that could make you feel better when nothing else felt good.  My sisters and I lost her recently but not to anything that's easy to handle (and yes from everything that's happened to me a death from illness seems easy to handle).  She was murdered and in the worst way, and my baby sister was the one that found her and I found myself at school, stuck in Texas in the midst of it all.  Before leaving to California for the funeral I was sad and depressed and very angry and confused.  Once again I found myself yelling at the sky asking him how he could let this happen.

My answer was.....he didn't.  God doesn't make our choices, we do, and its up to us to listen to what he has to say.  I've learned that it's good to pray and talk to God but contrary to what most people may think like any relationship you have to listen, and I wasn't.  This is where Cindy comes in, she is someone that came into my life at just the right time, she is my "adopted mother" so to speak.  Her and her family took me under their wing during every hard moment.  Her husband is a preacher so of course talking about faith and religion and God came up, but they never pushed me.  They never tried to sell me on the issue or even say anything about me not being baptized yet.  They just listened and eventually invited me to a few church gatherings and offered me a job there when I was struggling with money.  Even with the job there was no pressure to go to service they let me come to it in my own time and were there every step of the way.  I can honestly say that they opened my eyes to the world that I feel has been missing all my life.

So all this was just to say you got baptized? Well sort of, you see it's not about the fact that I got baptized (at least in this post) but how I got there.  There were times where I let God into my life and I listened, but when times got hard I left him in the dust, and it wasn't until he put something inside me that I would make a life change that led me one step closer to where I am today.  Everything I have experience led me here, I think if even one thing was different the outcome would be to.  It can be said that I'm reading too much into it or that it's all coincidence, but I know differently.

We may not like it when people tells us there is a reason for everything but obviously there is.

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