Friday, November 26, 2010

The Heart Ache of the Past

So I was trying to take a break from statistics and started to clean out my closet....
hindsight, BIG MISTAKE!
I found my Army notebook
I knew what was in it for the most part
but never knew how much it would hurt to read my thoughts
thoughts that I spent eight months writing down
just to read later, cry a lot, and
debate with myself about whether or not I should throw it away.
Starting in May of 2006 I started an Army diary, so to speak.
It ends in Dec around the time that Luke met my parents.
I never doubted that I loved him
in fact to be perfectly honest I still do
but to read every single entry....
and see how deeply in love I was with him
and how it was sooo fast was hard to read
I never realized how much the Army makes you speed through stuff faster
At month 3 I had entries about marraige & children
and I know it was conversations I had with him and that we agreed upon but still
we picked out their names
and we have our dream wedding written in that book
our dream house
How do you get rid of book that portrays many of the happiest times in your life
how do you toss it out like I tossed my marriage?
I forgot how happy we were back then
Our days in San Antonio,
where we would walk along the River Walk and talk for hours
how we got lost trying to find the hotel be he was too stubborn to grab a taxi
I was in heels so he ended up carrying me for over 30 minutes
The day we walked by a restaurant playing one of my favorite songs
and he pulled me into the street and we just danced
how he drove 4 hours just to pick me up
and drive 3 more so we could spend the weekend alone at a cabin
Our stories at Fort hood are near the end of it
with the stories of our stubborness
but he would leave and comback with starbucks for me
he would hold me and just apologize and tell me how much he loves me
how he would think I was alseep and would tell me how much he loved me
all of the always and forevers
how he would laugh at me for singing in the shower
how he thought my line repeating during movies were adorable.
I know I made the choice, but that never it easier
I don't know how to toss such a huge part of my life away
I feel like it's saying it meant nothing
when really it meant everything to me
I miss that feeling
the butterflies
the pure happiness from a name
the warmth I would feel just from looking into his eyes
I am so lost and confused!
I just want to feel good again
not stressed
or scared
or sad
just HAPPY
just happy to be myself and be comfortable with who I am

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